they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
