I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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