Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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