So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
