she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
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the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
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She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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