apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
