so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
