Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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