last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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