I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
