It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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