Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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