There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you inspire me to be a worse person
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
