so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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