last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
