he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I would ride that face into the sunset
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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