I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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