She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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