the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
