I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
