Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
