Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I think I won the penis lottery.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
