Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
