Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
