Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
