don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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