90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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