Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am naked and annoyed.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
