Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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