No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
