i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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