WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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