her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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