HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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