when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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