My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
