I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
