there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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