Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You're like the curious george of whores
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
