Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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