Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
