i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
