I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
