I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Randomize
