Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
