My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
