She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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