So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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