I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
