She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sorry about my life...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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