I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
