the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
not ubering you a puppy
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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