meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
