We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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