I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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